AP 3

To be said in the voice of Patrick Bateman, “each morning I wake up cranky and stumbling to find my footing. There is often a cat on my head or nearby on my pillow. I do zero crunches. I go right to the shower. The knob on the shower is not sturdy. It might fall off one day. While I stand there I look at the leak coming from the showerhead. It is there but it does not matter. Someday though I might fix that leak. The water rolls all the way down across all of the shampoos and gels dangling within the metal shelf, which hangs mid-way down the wall. I put on proper clothes and head downstairs. My mother-in-law makes coffee but I nicely decline. Then I decide to stop at Wawa for an always-necessary morning cup of coffee. I get the 20-oncer. Not too big and yet not too small. I opt to go for a lid that is 2 or 3 lids back in the stack. This way I get a ‘clean’ one. Untouched by Wawa worker’s hands. I do not select the old fashioned white lid that is lays flat; I go for the futuristic puffy and raised black lid. It is the only way. When paying at the register I try to remember to say ‘thank you’ to the person who numbingly rings me up. I drive 5 minutes on backcountry roads to avoid city life. Upon arriving at work I look for my homie G-Font’s vehicle. There it is. I feel better now. One day earlier this year my homie did not make it to work due to an accident that required a splint and 5 stitches. I didn’t see his car this day. I was sad. I completed more that day than any other day this year. Upon entering the initial set of turnstiles I think to myself, ‘should I go up or should I go left?’ Each day is like a flip of a coin and I am off in one of the two directions. I am on a quest: to find my cubical. When I go left there are others that stand with me. It is often awkward. Going up leaves me hearing heels popping on the cement-like marble floor. Pop pop, pop pop, and pop. Sitting at my desk I hear the light above my head buzzing. If a jackhammer were working in the cubical next to me, I would not hear it. I may yell at the light later this week. I am not sure if that will work. My neighbor Scotty will probably like me better once I yell. During work I play games like ‘let’s see how much water I can drink’ and ‘let’s see how many people I can’t talk to’. I keep tallies on spreadsheets and organize the days and totals by color. This is usually about when I finish my coffee. It’s ice cold by now.”

about the crapper...

Okay, to let everyone know in a past life (aka high school and to some extent college) I was a bit of an asshole. Like a sarcastic asshole - you know - do stuff for laughs. Even if some times I was the only one getting the punch line. As I always say, as long as I am happy and laughing in my head, it was well worth it. Well, recently I was reflecting on that time in life and wished I had done the following when riding an elevator, hanging in a parking lot or car rental location, or in the bathroom:

When entering the bathroom if someone is in a stall, go up to the stall and yell "I know you're in there" and kick the door really hard with your boot. Then leave and run while laughing (reminder again, these are not things I do anymore and for my parents if you are reading I never did any of these things ever). Another is while standing anywhere, with shades on and a jacket while near people, talk into your sleeve right by your hand and say, "The perimeter is clear" or "hold your fire, hold your fire - the target is not in place yet" or "cover me, I am going in" (then run). That one may get you in trouble but it would be funny (if anyone on is reviewing my profile and see the last one just note I am joking around). Also, if you are peeing next to someone look at them and say, "good job". Don’t pat them on the shoulder though because that is going too far. Girls can’t really do this one either because they have stalls for all of their work. I often want to say while in the bathroom, "how about a courtesy flush" even if I am the one doing the damage. I think it would be funny but wouldn't pull a stunt like that at work unless I knew my buddy was in there with me. So you should do this one in the mall bathroom or something, for those of you taking notes. Or, do you ever act like you are talking to your invisible phone like some people do when they have that damn earpiece in? Sometimes I will smile at someone walking out to the parking lot or something and then they will start talking and I think they are rambling to me, I get happy because I have a friend, and then find out they have a damn earpiece in and they are totally on the phone. Damn invisible technology. Pretty soon I will be able to workout like this. Someone will think I am talking to them while they are walking out of the supermarket but really I am not, I am really working out but it is invisible. I actually used to do the fake phone deal on rental buses back when I traveled, to and from the airport rental car lots. I would have a loud conversation with a fake earpiece. Not nice but funny. My favorite probably passed to me by my brother is to be in a urinal-type-area and say this out loud, "damn this water is cold...(then pause for an uncomfortable amount of time, smile, then say)…and deep". I have been doing this one for years and often say it while pissing next to someone at baseball games etc. Another funny one would be to be in a stall and say, "Stop that! Get back in there! No! Don't do it! Leave me alone!" Could you imagine if you heard that coming from a stall while you were using the rest room? Obviously you would be referring to a small alien that was emerging from the toilet paper dispenser.

This is a small disclaimer for the faint of heart or those people like my parents or in-laws that are reading this: sorry. You should have read the disclaimer at the bottom prior to reading the passage. That’ll teach ya.

my strange day (a story)

I have had the strangest day today. I got a call today on my way into work from a woman who's number I didn't recognize who promptly told me she doesn't speak English. So I replied nicely with "I do" (meaning that I do speak English - being a smart ass) and then she just sat there, saying nothing. So I said to her, "Me Iammo Chris" which I can't remember if that is Latin or Spanish, but then she replied in a struggling manner, "I don't speak English". I said "okay good" and then I also said "Numero incorrecto, me Iammo Chris". Yeah...this went on for over 2 minutes, me using broken a Latin-Spanish-mix and occationally throwing in some English and her struggling to tell me that she doesn't understand and can't speak a lick of English. For some reason she didn't want to hang up, I must have been an important person she wanted to relay some message to, although she never said anything other than she doesn't really understand. It sounded innocent however and didn't sound like a prank (others say crank but that is a pet peeve of mine, at 8 Sycamore Rd in Hummelstown we say PRANK), but in the end I said, "you called me - didn't you?" and then she grunted and hung up. Nice start to my morning.

I might call her on the way home and tell her "I don't speak Russian" just to see how she reacts. Her number is stored in my phone now and she and I have become best friends. I have her labeled as "Gully" in my phone. FYI. Anyone reading this - let me know if you want her digits.

Then to make my day stranger, while at the dentist my hygienist told me that she has been examining my lower front 4 teeth the whole time she has been working on me, so much so that she even measured their size without me knowing. Here is where it gets odd, she told me she has been examining the teeth specifically because she thinks that my adult teeth grew in backwards (not upside-down, but in the wrong order) - meaning that my two bottom front teeth in the middle (let's call them #1 and #2) should really be where the other two on each side of #1 and #2 are (let's say #3 and #4) and vice versa. So switch #1 and #2 with #3 and #4 and I am normal. RIGHT!!?? She said due to their width this is likely the case. I asked her if this was possible to even have that happen and she said, "sure, it could happen". Then she followed it up with, "you can still chew with your teeth though". OH, okay thanks!!! I thought maybe after 30 years of living and chewing with my current teeth that once I found out this miraculous discovery I would have to stop chewing altogether. That is a relief to know. [I know that I didn't have my adult teeth for 30 years now, but I needed to emphasize there to get my point across] I sort of hoped she was going to tell me that I showed signs of a vampire or something, which I have secretly always wanted to be.

Earlier during the dentist visit, while her hands were shoved in my mouth, she told me a story about an 8 year old who was petrified to be in the office for the first time. Later she found out the 8 year old was petrified because her "idiot Dad" (in her words) told her that she would get a needle in her mouth that would be so long it would go through the back of her head. Then she stops working on my teeth and points her finger to the ceiling (just to help to picture this scenario, she had on a mask and bloody white gloves, my blood that is) and says, "CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!" Then she told me she promptly ran out to the waiting room to confront the "idiot Dad" but the only the Mom was there and she ended up reprimanding her telling her that her husband is abusing the 8 year old. Granted, this wasn't the best thing to say on the Dad's part, but 'child abuse'??? C'mon. That is maybe, just slightly, a bit too strong of an allegation/reaction on the hygientists part.

I especially like the part where she decides she has the right to reprimand the parents in the waiting room. Crazy bitch.

We'll see how the rest of the day goes. The day just seems odd so far to me that's all.