as I sit here...

I think I am in the mood for one of those obscure rants about life and why we live...and what the heck is going on in the world...for some reason today is one of those days for me. I have 1,000 thoughts popping through my head and I can't control any of them. But, ultimately that is a good thing - right?


Each day I am fathomed by something that is....something that captivates me for even just a second to make me say hmmm, make me feel human, or even make me feel not-human (if you will). Those are the things and thoughts that make me just yearn for the unknown and the unfathomable. In the end of one's existence - what's the ultimate point? To sacrifice for others so they remember you a certain way, so they have a certain life that you left them, so that you did what you wanted to do, so that ultimately you made a difference? I don't know and neither does anyone else. "Paths of life" that people take are funny items for sure. Let's move on shall we:


I find it hard to believe this is all a dream, so let's dismiss that right away. So is this really a life? Really something that I feel daily and go through?? And has this life really become some sort routine that becomes me just getting to the next day so that I can get to the next day and do the same thing over again? Just to push so hard on the things we gotta do so that we can eventually get to the things we WANT to do? Or is that just what it has become for most of us? Overtime, has most of life become this way? Who are the people not living this way?


I think I might hate technology to a degree. It has made me a hermit of sorts. Today I was emailing with some close friends who I'd consider risk takers, enjoyers of life....and such, you know....but we started talking about camping and it came to my attention that these guys hadn't really camped much in their lives, one guy in particular hadn't camped for roughly - jeez, what would it be, like almost close to 20 years now? Seriously? Anyway, this isn't about that....because I know these guys have other ways of touching nature and enjoying the Earth and life for what it is, but rather this is about the "stuff" that sucks from us as people. Side note, looks like this mini-rant is turning into my hopeful new found LUST for life apparently....and I hope that "kick" stays with me. But really when the day is said and done, I am mostly spending my time inside with the AC blaring, watching like 3 or so hours of TV (that is sick), and quote unquote enjoying other such technological luxuries. (*I just reread that last paragraph and wanted to state that life is good, but maybe just not fully served to it's fullest...see below)


Granted, items/technologies like described above are fun and have become necessary and nice. I couldn't exist (listen to me, crazy I sound I say, but funny stuff overall)....where was I...oh yeah...I couldn't exist without email I don't think. It is such a great way of communication. TV, movies, music - all stuff that makes me who I am....and IS my life. But at the end when it is all done, will I be happy that I watched most of the Seinfeld episodes? Will I be happy that I reached level 55 on COD4? Will it matter that I own most of what Built to Spill has produced, such luscious and moderately unknown beauty that is great music? Will any of it matter? Sure I could put anything into these parameters, like "will it matter that I mowed my lawn this year?" or something else silly like "will it matter when I am gone that I wrote this passage for others to see?" Ultimately all of it just makes me say WTF?! WTF, is it worth it? WTF really IS it? WTF is going on? WTF matters? WTF happened over the past few years? WTF was that noise (seriously I am getting scared right now)? WTF is next to happen?


The phrase WTF has ultimately existed for generations and hundreds and hundreds of years. Cavemen likely looked up to the sky - or whatever at the time was their "direction" of looking to say WTF - and indeed say WTF in their own words. None of what I am saying means anything different than what others have said in random rants like this in the past, but still it is good to think about this every once in a while. I just hope that the 2 people reading this think to themselves about how special and unique - or random, crazy and unappreciated - most parts of life are. I would love to challenge myself to make each day...as they say, "lived to the fullest"...that would be my ideal world. But stuff happens, work happens, shit - LIFE happens - and I find it harder and harder to live life by the fullest. How funny is that? Life happens so I can't live life by the fullest. Wow. Intense.


Maybe this all will change when I read this again tomorrow. Maybe someone else will think about stopping their madness that is technology overload. Maybe I'll go on a non-TV binge so that I can experience everything else life has to offer, more fuller and more, well just more (obviously this would not include excluding baseball and reality shows) - you know, go to the extreme by taking away sitcoms basically. Oh man, I don't even know what I am talking about anymore. Rant rant Rrrrr.


Whatever life is - I just had one of those moments and shared it with you. When I stop and think...dare I say it again....WTF?!?! Life is glorious and scary, happy and whacked, perplexing and loony, but ultimately (seriously I hate to ruin the moment but I hear something in the woods again, this time it is walking, and I am getting the hell out of here....l8ter)

Madonna's Cherish hits tops on charts

back on Oct 23, 2006 I saved this beauty via scanner. Essentially, it is the beginnings of the best mapping of rap fueds and friendships ever. I just wish I had more time and patience on Earth to do important things like this mapping. Darn.

...in 2005

...in 2005, March 10th to be exact, I received word back from my application to Waste Management. Here is what they said, nicely put I might add, but I was saddened:


Thank you for your interest in Waste Management. At this time, you are no longer being considered for the position of your choice based on a careful review of your interests and qualifications. However, we will maintain your information for 12 months and notify you if you are selected for future openings better matching your qualifications.


I wonder what exactly it takes? I mean no offence to the profession at all, honestly, it is something I've always wanted to do. I wish I had a Tuesday route only, or something like that. Just to be free of corporate america or the like. I'd love to be flying on the back of the truck, with my hair blowing the way of the wind. I'd get a devil's haircut and rock out for sure. Anyway, still bummed since 2005 and it is one email I'll never forget. I just wonder if in the end, with constant pursuit, I'd land a job? I honestly want this to be my fall back position. Damn it all to heck man.