AP 3

To be said in the voice of Patrick Bateman, “each morning I wake up cranky and stumbling to find my footing. There is often a cat on my head or nearby on my pillow. I do zero crunches. I go right to the shower. The knob on the shower is not sturdy. It might fall off one day. While I stand there I look at the leak coming from the showerhead. It is there but it does not matter. Someday though I might fix that leak. The water rolls all the way down across all of the shampoos and gels dangling within the metal shelf, which hangs mid-way down the wall. I put on proper clothes and head downstairs. My mother-in-law makes coffee but I nicely decline. Then I decide to stop at Wawa for an always-necessary morning cup of coffee. I get the 20-oncer. Not too big and yet not too small. I opt to go for a lid that is 2 or 3 lids back in the stack. This way I get a ‘clean’ one. Untouched by Wawa worker’s hands. I do not select the old fashioned white lid that is lays flat; I go for the futuristic puffy and raised black lid. It is the only way. When paying at the register I try to remember to say ‘thank you’ to the person who numbingly rings me up. I drive 5 minutes on backcountry roads to avoid city life. Upon arriving at work I look for my homie G-Font’s vehicle. There it is. I feel better now. One day earlier this year my homie did not make it to work due to an accident that required a splint and 5 stitches. I didn’t see his car this day. I was sad. I completed more that day than any other day this year. Upon entering the initial set of turnstiles I think to myself, ‘should I go up or should I go left?’ Each day is like a flip of a coin and I am off in one of the two directions. I am on a quest: to find my cubical. When I go left there are others that stand with me. It is often awkward. Going up leaves me hearing heels popping on the cement-like marble floor. Pop pop, pop pop, and pop. Sitting at my desk I hear the light above my head buzzing. If a jackhammer were working in the cubical next to me, I would not hear it. I may yell at the light later this week. I am not sure if that will work. My neighbor Scotty will probably like me better once I yell. During work I play games like ‘let’s see how much water I can drink’ and ‘let’s see how many people I can’t talk to’. I keep tallies on spreadsheets and organize the days and totals by color. This is usually about when I finish my coffee. It’s ice cold by now.”

about the crapper...

Okay, to let everyone know in a past life (aka high school and to some extent college) I was a bit of an asshole. Like a sarcastic asshole - you know - do stuff for laughs. Even if some times I was the only one getting the punch line. As I always say, as long as I am happy and laughing in my head, it was well worth it. Well, recently I was reflecting on that time in life and wished I had done the following when riding an elevator, hanging in a parking lot or car rental location, or in the bathroom:

When entering the bathroom if someone is in a stall, go up to the stall and yell "I know you're in there" and kick the door really hard with your boot. Then leave and run while laughing (reminder again, these are not things I do anymore and for my parents if you are reading I never did any of these things ever). Another is while standing anywhere, with shades on and a jacket while near people, talk into your sleeve right by your hand and say, "The perimeter is clear" or "hold your fire, hold your fire - the target is not in place yet" or "cover me, I am going in" (then run). That one may get you in trouble but it would be funny (if anyone on is reviewing my profile and see the last one just note I am joking around). Also, if you are peeing next to someone look at them and say, "good job". Don’t pat them on the shoulder though because that is going too far. Girls can’t really do this one either because they have stalls for all of their work. I often want to say while in the bathroom, "how about a courtesy flush" even if I am the one doing the damage. I think it would be funny but wouldn't pull a stunt like that at work unless I knew my buddy was in there with me. So you should do this one in the mall bathroom or something, for those of you taking notes. Or, do you ever act like you are talking to your invisible phone like some people do when they have that damn earpiece in? Sometimes I will smile at someone walking out to the parking lot or something and then they will start talking and I think they are rambling to me, I get happy because I have a friend, and then find out they have a damn earpiece in and they are totally on the phone. Damn invisible technology. Pretty soon I will be able to workout like this. Someone will think I am talking to them while they are walking out of the supermarket but really I am not, I am really working out but it is invisible. I actually used to do the fake phone deal on rental buses back when I traveled, to and from the airport rental car lots. I would have a loud conversation with a fake earpiece. Not nice but funny. My favorite probably passed to me by my brother is to be in a urinal-type-area and say this out loud, "damn this water is cold...(then pause for an uncomfortable amount of time, smile, then say)…and deep". I have been doing this one for years and often say it while pissing next to someone at baseball games etc. Another funny one would be to be in a stall and say, "Stop that! Get back in there! No! Don't do it! Leave me alone!" Could you imagine if you heard that coming from a stall while you were using the rest room? Obviously you would be referring to a small alien that was emerging from the toilet paper dispenser.

This is a small disclaimer for the faint of heart or those people like my parents or in-laws that are reading this: sorry. You should have read the disclaimer at the bottom prior to reading the passage. That’ll teach ya.

my strange day (a story)

I have had the strangest day today. I got a call today on my way into work from a woman who's number I didn't recognize who promptly told me she doesn't speak English. So I replied nicely with "I do" (meaning that I do speak English - being a smart ass) and then she just sat there, saying nothing. So I said to her, "Me Iammo Chris" which I can't remember if that is Latin or Spanish, but then she replied in a struggling manner, "I don't speak English". I said "okay good" and then I also said "Numero incorrecto, me Iammo Chris". Yeah...this went on for over 2 minutes, me using broken a Latin-Spanish-mix and occationally throwing in some English and her struggling to tell me that she doesn't understand and can't speak a lick of English. For some reason she didn't want to hang up, I must have been an important person she wanted to relay some message to, although she never said anything other than she doesn't really understand. It sounded innocent however and didn't sound like a prank (others say crank but that is a pet peeve of mine, at 8 Sycamore Rd in Hummelstown we say PRANK), but in the end I said, "you called me - didn't you?" and then she grunted and hung up. Nice start to my morning.

I might call her on the way home and tell her "I don't speak Russian" just to see how she reacts. Her number is stored in my phone now and she and I have become best friends. I have her labeled as "Gully" in my phone. FYI. Anyone reading this - let me know if you want her digits.

Then to make my day stranger, while at the dentist my hygienist told me that she has been examining my lower front 4 teeth the whole time she has been working on me, so much so that she even measured their size without me knowing. Here is where it gets odd, she told me she has been examining the teeth specifically because she thinks that my adult teeth grew in backwards (not upside-down, but in the wrong order) - meaning that my two bottom front teeth in the middle (let's call them #1 and #2) should really be where the other two on each side of #1 and #2 are (let's say #3 and #4) and vice versa. So switch #1 and #2 with #3 and #4 and I am normal. RIGHT!!?? She said due to their width this is likely the case. I asked her if this was possible to even have that happen and she said, "sure, it could happen". Then she followed it up with, "you can still chew with your teeth though". OH, okay thanks!!! I thought maybe after 30 years of living and chewing with my current teeth that once I found out this miraculous discovery I would have to stop chewing altogether. That is a relief to know. [I know that I didn't have my adult teeth for 30 years now, but I needed to emphasize there to get my point across] I sort of hoped she was going to tell me that I showed signs of a vampire or something, which I have secretly always wanted to be.

Earlier during the dentist visit, while her hands were shoved in my mouth, she told me a story about an 8 year old who was petrified to be in the office for the first time. Later she found out the 8 year old was petrified because her "idiot Dad" (in her words) told her that she would get a needle in her mouth that would be so long it would go through the back of her head. Then she stops working on my teeth and points her finger to the ceiling (just to help to picture this scenario, she had on a mask and bloody white gloves, my blood that is) and says, "CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!" Then she told me she promptly ran out to the waiting room to confront the "idiot Dad" but the only the Mom was there and she ended up reprimanding her telling her that her husband is abusing the 8 year old. Granted, this wasn't the best thing to say on the Dad's part, but 'child abuse'??? C'mon. That is maybe, just slightly, a bit too strong of an allegation/reaction on the hygientists part.

I especially like the part where she decides she has the right to reprimand the parents in the waiting room. Crazy bitch.

We'll see how the rest of the day goes. The day just seems odd so far to me that's all.

Helmet or Microwave?

A friend recently wrote me the following question (I did ask my buddy about copyright infringements prior to posting his comments):

"Chris, what do you think would hurt more: to be microwaved, or to take your helmet off in space? I've been contemplating this all day.

Do you ever think about space? I don't get it. Like one cubic foot of space (the black part), has nothing in it right? How can you have one cubic foot of nothing? That makes my brain hurt to think about. And if there's nothing in it, why is it black? Shouldn't it be clear? I should be able to look at the night sky and see the other side. The inside wall of the end of space must be black in color, that's all I can think of.

If I ever had a band, I would name it One Cubic Foot of Nothing. And we would wear all black and play songs that made people's heads hurt. Let me know if you are in, I need someone who can play the kazoo."

So I replied with:

"I'll join only if I can be the lead singer or drummer. I'll have Jana's brother put a sound proof room in my basement so that we can jam and no one will hear us until we go live and then their heads will hurt. But I would rather call us 'Chris and the One Cubic Foots of Nothing'. Stew it over.

You have a good point (or lack of point, more like you have a good wonderment) about the darkness. I was thinking when I initially read it that it was because the sun wasn't shining on it but that isn't necessarily the case. Like, it is dark here on earth when the sun is in Mexico and Australia, so maybe that is the same in space. But then the inverse would need to be true and there would be times in space when it is really sunny and you would need sunglasses and a beach chair. When you are in space, looking at earth, what does the sun look like? This question might seem odd and/or obvious but I don't really know. I would think it might look like it does from earth or maybe like it does from the telescope pictures on LiveScience.com. I do agree that the wall at the end of space might be a black one, also I think that it might be because there is actually nothing there, and because there is nothing there for such a long viewpoint this nothingness folded on top of itself over zillions of miles can only look black. It isn't like if you stuck a little yellow thing millions of miles away that you would see it just because the other million miles of space between you and the yellow thing is nothingness. Make sense?

My real only pondering about space throughout my life so far has been about stuff like 1) how far does it really go and 2) is there really someone out there and 3) will we ever get to know any of the answers before we die or will we just wonder and not know because THAT specific technology doesn't grow very fast. You go from 1900 to now and we have advanced like 1,000,000 fold compared to what happened from the dinosaur time until 1900. But for space technology it just isn't that easy. Anyway I think about stuff like what I said before and also stuff like was the landing on the moon staged? I think it was. Blue screen, hello.

Helmet off in space because that would be an immediate implosion plus you have the experience of being in space to begin with, which people like Nick Carter pay good money to almost do - also no one would see the mess after you took off your helmet and there wouldn't be a crowd. If you were microwaved it would likely be done on earth and someone like Dafoe or Shattner would find you (reference to American Psycho and American Psycho II), all exploded and burnt and in a giant microwave and such. That would suck for your family to have to see. Rather for them to know you are up in the air somewhere living the American dream, of course maybe your arm might fall down onto Arizona, but otherwise you died a space traveling hero, now that is the way to go. Thanks."

Then I decided to add:

"Can there ever be (or do you think there is) nothing as in completely nothing. Like in space, maybe some of the black space floating up there is void of all gases or pockets of gas etc. or material of any kind, atoms, molecules etc. Heck, for that matter are atom and molecules only for OUR planet? Do they exist in space or other? I forget if the rock crap they brought back from the moon (or so they say - Blue Screen, hello) is full of our same type of rock material as our lovely Earth. I think it is, but I wonder don't you. My buddy thinks there is nothing up there and if you were floating up there you would be actually "in amongst nothing" at times. Obviously he thinks there is pockets of gas etc. that are around but not necessarily everywhere. He is fathomed by the lack of light and the ultimate darkness. I am more fathomed by the fact that I don't know where it ends. He thinks it should be light up there unless the end of space has a black wall. I think that there are so many miles of infinite space out there beyond the space we think we know about that it may never stop, why should it? Luckily for us we will come and go, live and die, and never even see anyone get to the damn next planet over. Maybe a rover here and there but c'mon, that sucks. Moon???!!!??? - if they went there that is pretty pussy (sorry to the youth bloggers for using the word pussy). I think they used blue screens (I know, I have said that like 6x now)."

horror movies anyone?

Anytime you read this post if you have a new thought please share. I have become a horror movie con-o-saur, not to beconfused (yes, all one word) with an aracnid-o-saur. I am in need of movies, young or old that scare the living crap out of you. Let me have nightmares - bring it on. So far the last few movies in the theatres have not impressed me but I sure have a list of movies under my belt that rock this house. I need to jump. I need to be scared out of my BeJebus. I need my prickly things called goosepimples to be moving around. Please share with me if you know. I am pleading.

I have on my list some of the classics to see, like Abandon and the original Hills Have Eyes with the guy from Weird Science - you know the biker guy with strange and pointy ears. But until then I need your help. If you please you can just reply with a good suggestion but keep in mind that I need to jump, not laugh. Okay, I can laugh too. Here are some of my top recent movies that may or may not be your favorite horror flick: Wrong Turn, Dawn of the Dead (Sarah Polly epic), Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning, and High Tension. I recommend these to anyone who has a stomach for such epics. I have 100s more just let me know you are intrestesed and I will bother you about it forever.

the warm

It is sad that most people treat the effects of global warming as an inconvenience. That is a powerful and in your face title of the documentary. I wouldn't think the movie would be entertaining but more factual. I also think 50 years after Gore has died, people will remember him as the forefather that took this topic, supported it, and ran with it - the first big name guy to really care and try as best as he could to put this information in the faces of the people of the world. Even though only like a fourth of the people listen, if that.

It is sad to think that people actually take what we have for granted including the selfish behavior of them not considering future generations and the effects it will have on them. We have to fix this now and it starts with us, and our kids, and their kids. If our waste and smog and other can slowly destroy the atmosphere that surrounds us then that should be really scary to people. The earth has lasted a long time, but so did the dinosaurs. Get it?

I feel a bit out of touch with this stuff and even a bit rusty. It has been a long time since I studied this or read up on it. I could use a refresher. As I wrote what I did above I found myself almost forgetting the "definition". If I am struggling then what about people who aren't ecologists? They must be completely oblivious. Your thoughts? If none I hope you at least thought about it.

be an optimist, don't do crunches and eat healthier - this combo apparently is the success to a healthy and happy life

I just learned the title of this BLOG the other day when I logged off one of my 1,200 things in life which entail entering a password and username. (I have to stop already and say something that has been on my mind for the past 2+ years: BBBBBLLLLLLOOOOOOOOGGGGGGG!! There I said it and that helped). Okay, now quickly read the first sentence again if you need to because I am going to attempt to get back to the initial point....you know, when you log on and then log off and *POOF* there is a page full of pictures, blinking text, and links which the parent web-site has set up for your eyes to gaze at. AND, occasionally one of the parent web-page's catchy items actually captures your eye and they win - you clicked the link they wanted you to click and you end up the bastard. Then someone on the other end makes a dollar and says "silly human"... (Just to clarify, I have a firm belief in life in which either the person who develops the web-page or the person that writes the article does in fact get a dollar)...and you get zipped across the cyber-universe to some 'random-catch-your-eye' story. Anyway, this one particular linked story I happened to click on the other day told me how to better my life: to "make it happier and healthier". I was immediately intrigued. I ended up fully agreeing with that linked story in the end. It simply said, be optimistic, DON'T do crunches, and eat healthy. Done, fine by me. They are right and I now have a new lifestyle. It is my new philosophy. The article went on to talk about each item individually (blah blah blah) but I didn't have the patience to read beyond paragraph one. I had what I needed to fix my life forever, thanks Mr. Author. I have to say if it were not for articles like this how would I survive. How would any of us survive? I have a feeling the average person has the attention span of the average person (statistically speaking). I have the attention span of someone under that of the average person. So hint to those that write stuff: don't forget to write it all in the title and the first two sentences of your story. Much like I have in this post/bloggy.

1st Blog

okay, this is it. I have been systematically asked to do this - and I accept the challenge. No one said anything about doing this every day though - so don't expect that. And I tend to like commas and dashes so get used to run-on sentences. Oh and parenthesis. Now it is time to take the kids up so...until next time when I can actually have a topic and a true point.