skinny latte

no I am not having skinny latte's these days - thanks for asking. However, every time I am in line the person in front of me always orders like they are a coffee ordering expert, "I'll have a grande skinny latte hold the cream with two lumps and a twist of thai and cinnamon, half stirred and slightly frozen". Then I get up there and say "regular coffee middle size please". When I order the people behind the counter have like 2-3 questions for me because I guess I don't order specific enough. I am going to work to try to get the lingo down pat in February so by March I am good to go with ordering. Now that I have my new trendy Versace glasses this isn't a "want to eventually do", this is a "requirement for all who wear trendy glasses". I also find it funny that people refer to their drink as "skinny" in relation to their body which they are hoping for when they drink the lower fat version of the drink. I suppose I'll start ordering an "extra fat latte, tall, extra sugar, hold the lowfat".

Today's movie review

I would like to start blogging my review of movies that I see - old or new/good or bad. I'll try not to put in any spoilers during the review. Also keep in mind these are my views and in no way are my affiliations with ROGUE pictures going to influence how I review and rate movies.


As some may know I have a recent fix (well, obsession is more like it) with movies. I have created an ongoing list of how they rank per my brain absorption. This list is coupled with a sister-list of movies focusing on recommended movies never seen. By keeping both lists alive and growing I won't lose track of the ultimate goal of seeing every movie ever created - not including movies done in black and white. So I begin....


Juno:


My wife and I saw Juno a few weekends ago and loved it. Truthfully, it made me feel as if I forgot who I used to be. Not in a bad way at all, because obvious changes in my life have occurred and I needed to react and adapt to the current situations at hand. However we both looked at each other once we were in the parking lot and said that we miss being hippy-like. The movie portrayed a comfy feeling, reminding us of what it meant to walk out of the house without matching clothes or to proudly wear your heart on your sleeve. To let people know how odd you are and to emphasize how others make you feel. And lastly to be zany. Yes, zany. I don't want to sound too sappy because I have a lot of friends with dark/cynical sides that might be reading this - but this is the truth. I miss this about me. Thanks to Juno I am working to bring it back. I haven't lost it all together and I surely haven't stopped being unique/odd - however I have ceased to be this way in most forums of life. I have adopted the "corporate" look and kept up with most of the corporate work habits and interactions, staying on the curb instead of off the curb. Only a few at my current job know the real me. I suppose that is a good tactic though at work, so let's focus on home life. My neighbors probably think I am more off my rocker than the rest of the Dad's in the neighborhood - but why not let out my real self at all times? Why should only Jana and my close friends experience this? [As a side project I am starting to let my neighbor Jason see me for who I am and was. We'll see how that goes.]


Last night on American Idol the last guy to get a ticket to the big show was just being himself, no "I want to be on TV" act and showing no cares. And as much as I don't like to admit this out loud, Simon is often right-on with his personality observations (although often he judges prior to giving someone a chance). Regardless, it was nice. You go last-guy-on-American-Idol-last-night-to-get-a-golden-ticket. You go. That is just another example of how this movie made me feel. [It is also nice to see someone in Hollywood appreciate uniqueness]


I am way off track. The movie also had a soundtrack that involved the Moldy Peaches primarily. This wasn't the Moldy Peaches that I know and love, but still the same sound and feel that the hardcore Peaches has brought (where they swear and talk about porno). That, coupled with the feel I got was enough in itself to make me like this movie. But add in the tremendous acting by Ellen Page, Michael Cera (who might be one of the greatest new actors out there), and J.K. Simmons and you have a great flick. Bateman and Garner played the roles they were supposed to play, Bateman was okay and could have been better and Garner was annoying but that was expected per her script. Also, why did Rainn Wilson agree to play Clerk #1 in this movie? Odd.


As I always say, if a movie can make me feel a certain way, it is well respected by this guy. Thus, this movie is #31 on my list of all time favorites, just below Last of the Mohicans and just above High Tension.

today's interesting topic of the day (a la 1.29.08)

A close friend sent me the below picture this morning from the summer of 1992. That's me. Doogie Houser and this is my journal. Oh brother. Seriously though. [this next side bar is off my main topic which will be discussed below however I wanted to take a second to state 1992-ish is roughly the time Chris Found Music. The music that still IS me today. The music that eventually molded into 2008 music for Q. Looking down at this picture makes me laugh thinking about that. Because - well - look down. I just can't picture this kid listening to: Polvo's Cor-Crane Secret, The Flaming Lips' Transmissions from the Satellite Heart, They Might Be Giants' Flood, Ween's Pure Guava, Superchunk's Tossing Seeds, and Barbara Streisand's Greatest Hits Vol. 2.]

And back to the picture....it was a nice morning email surprise. Tonight I will be spending a portion of my evening scanning a few pics to send back his way. The whole thing led me to today's interesting topic. That is: remembering back then (aka reminiscing). I don't know how we got onto this tangent but I believe it had something to do with this picture and the others that were initially sent this morning. So we began reminiscing. It was great. We played a game to see who remembered a series of childhood events on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being 'I remember that a lot almost like it was yesterday' and 1 being 'I don't really remember that sorry bro'. I had a wonderful time growing up: fishing every morning, disappearing in our world of newly created mixed-sports, dreaming about hotties from school, and listening to Casey Casum do the damn top 40 countdown. Man I loved Casey Casum's damn top 40 shout outs and countdowns. They should replay those.

So let's wrap this up. A quick show of hands for those that like to reminisce. Do yourself a favor, be like me and try to reconnect with everyone possible from your past and send them an email about how much you miss them and also recap and remember a certain time/event. If you don't email 5 people from your past immediately the Giants will lose on Sunday.

--why--

This is the first of potentially many snapshots of my writings from the past. Who knows if I will keep this up? It might be too scary for some as it will give you a glimpse of that which is my brain. But to most who know me you will understand the thought flow. Those that don't know me well will indeed drool.

.click the picture to see it larger.

funny word Fathom

Things that Fathom the Q (in alphabetic order):

• Aliens
• Britney's Spears' life. Dudes seriously, when she dies (possibly like we felt with Anna Nicole) will you shed a tear? At this point her perfect life has become so messed up thanks to being a celebrity that it even effects her little sis.
• Enemy UAB
• Facilities that store things
• Gary Oldman
• Nutrients. What else can be said, I mean what the F is up with nutrients?
• Out-of-place artifacts
• Politics and the crazy lies
• Porphobilinigen 9
• Richard Marx
• Romeo: in approximately 9th grade there was either a song named Romeo or an artist named Romeo. Well, I need this for my iPod and I can't find it anywhere. Help please...I am asking nicely and yes there is a reward. This has nothing to do with Lil' Romeo, but rather someone that sounded like Richard Marx but looked like Dio.
• Sentinal City and also Colorado City with Warren Jeffs
• Spidey 3 was soooooo terribly bad. NEVER ever see it. No fathoms here except that I as duped.
• Stroszek by Werner H.
• Swear words and how that is bad actually. I could see with minors, but really...seriously...we have all heard them - so let's stop getting up in arms about it.
• Tar Man

.

I wish I was a vampire.


seriously

Publicity Stunt

Bear with me here folks. Yes, I am about to talk about Britney Spears again. I actually may indeed have a problem because I keep talking and thinking about Britney. This must be how my brain works - so don’t blame me as I am more of a messenger of my brain. But this time I am right on with my theory. I’m so excited, I’m in too deep. Crazy! But it feels all right. It might seem like a crush, but it doesn’t mean that I’m serious. Oops I suppose. And in the end, I believe that this pop culture diva has indeed won (once you read the whole rant you will understand this comment).


I think I have her all figured out. Ms. Britney Spears. She is a lot like the pyramids. Don’t you agree? I could stop here and we all would probably be on the same page saying, “Oh yeah Q, yep, yeah I’m right with you on that point where you said Britney Spears and the pyramids are basically replicas of each other – move to the next point now because this one is toast. Nothing more to say. Yep.” Well smartass, I was meaning that she has duped us all with her antics, as have the pyramids with their crazy history and mysteries. More like she is a GIANT publicity stunt and everything is strategically placed and planned. Isn’t she lucky this Hollywood girl?


Here goes: You know when you picture her now, say in 2007. How do you picture her? What is she doing on the cover of the tabloid? She is either fat, or with a baby in the car strapped in wrong, or without her baby and crying, or showing you way too much of her lovely body, or coming out of the court with KFed, etc. – well, it is all done on purpose. All done so that we have to live and breathe Britney. So she is in our face. Bad publicity is good publicity as they say. I believe that while she was waiting to release her next album her publicity agent told her, “Brit baby, do whatever you need to do to over the next few years to get in the news. Make people never forget what you look like or that your life is a complete and utter train wreck. Shave your head and bash in windows of SUVs if you have to. Give up your kids in a staged court battle if you have to. Hell – even go to rehab. Just get ‘er done.” In the end, Brit, her publicity agent, and KFed all know that she is worth millions. Now and forever. She will get millions this year, millions next year, and like Madonna will stay “with us” forever. We will live her life with her (*and KFed). Speaking of Brit and KFed, those two aren’t really having issues, c’mon. That is all a publicity stunt too. And the kids – don’t get me started on the kids. Those kids were sitting pretty at KFed’s house while Britney worked on the end stages of her album. She and her agent staged the whole court battle to make her consistently be in the news. Then she would cut a track in the studio and finally end her day back in the arms of Kevin, behind closed doors. Big time scam!! I must confess, I still believe (still believe).


(please read this next sentence after the Nov. 18 release party) Then, WHAMMO, her new album is FINALLY *sigh* released and we all love it. Of course, her lyrics in the first released song are saying exactly what I have stated above…she is laughing at us people. She is basically saying, no matter that I do, no matter how much you watch, no matter how many pictures you take of me - I still want more and I will never go away. Never, ever, ever go away. Wow, talk about a punch in the throat. Also in the song she is demonstrating a relationship of some sort. A healthy one. Wouldn’t you think if she and KFed were having issues that her album would be about the fact that she is a loony and depressed, like the first Dashboard Confessional album? Well, that is another slap in the face because she says in the song, “every time they turn the lights down…just want to go that extra mile for you…we can get down like there’s no one around…we keep on rocking” – hello, this is yelling I am still with Kevin behind your backs and I am totally duping you gullible bastards!! I think she did it again.


Some other lyrics from the new song: “center of attention…even when we’re up against the wall” / “cameras are flashing while we’re dirty dancing…they keep watching…feels like they’re probably saying…give me more” / “I bet you didn’t see this one coming…. the legendary Ms. Britney Spears…you’re going to have to remove me, ‘cause I ain’t going no where”


Plot! Scam! Genius! Love it! (can’t get enough?!?!)


And, to top it off – people everywhere will be singing and dancing to this song and not realize that there is a message in there, a deep one. Like the Beatles when they have their deep hidden messages, now it is Britney Spears with her brilliant messages within her songs. She has duped us all, we fell for it…but hell, it was (and will continue to be) the ride of our lives.


So next time you feel badly for how her life has gone down the tubes, think about this rant and smile – realizing that she is just fine. People, she is stronger than yesterday. She is stronger than she ever thought she could be. She used to go with the flow. So, no more “poor Britney”. Deal? I could go on, but no more today.

Back Then...and Living Underground (The Britney Spears Theory)

I am sorry our walk earlier didn't turn into more for you. See, even explaining it to you isn’t easy. But for me this theory I am trying to describe is a theory I am going to take with me to the grave. I’ll try to lay it on anyone that is willing to listen from now until then. But I think I should preface this talk with the following: the person has to have an open mind and be willing to try new things, think outside the box if you will. Anyone who only does what society demands is not allowed in the club. Oh, and the theory might contradict itself a bit. Remember, openmind.

Remember back about 6-7 years ago when we were at that party and I was trying to explain the Britney Spears theory to some folks. The theory that the radio sucks but no too much, because it can become great for folks in the future once stuff is done getting overplayed. Most hip grown ups don’t listen to the “popular radio” but rather the hits from their generation and those hits that find there way out of the current generations, lasting through the ruckus and rigamarole. (I can’t wait for an all 90’s station - which I am sure already exists). Well, this theory, is partially that I think I have the power to hear a song and hate it for being overplayed at the current time period (where and when it exists on the radio), but yet love it because I know when given to me in small doses throughout life I can be cool with it and actually like the song. For instance, it will be nice hearing the instrumental version of 'Oops I Did It Again' at Kohl's in 8 years; or even the fully sung radio edit while at a family outing in 14 years heard on Nice 92 FM. Are you following me by chance? The other part is even if it is in a genre most hip adults don’t like (ie pop), the song can still be catchy and good. I suppose where my logic and convincing goes wrong is when I am trying to convince someone about a crappy song from now (see Britney Spears above) prior to it having had the time to properly age, rather than giving an example from say 10-20 years ago. Like Prince's ‘Party Like It's 1999’ song. C'mon. Who doesn't love that song or at least smile and listen when it is played? Now what I am saying is the Britney Spears' of the world (loosely) will be the same as Prince for us in 10 more years. Can you fathom that?

The part where I contradict myself is that I also want people to be open-minded and listen to music that is not mainstream as well. Appreciate it for it’s beauty – or at the least just give it a shot before saying, “this sucks, let’s listen to the radio.” So it cycles back to my original point. That person who says, “this sucks, put on the radio” isn’t allowing him or herself to hear it for what it is worth and would rather do what the man tells them. I am not asking you to like Jazz if you don’t like Jazz. But rather just be able to try something chill if that is what is on. I don’t really like Amy Winehouse per se, but I can appreciate how chill it is and definitely like it as background noise. See how that works? And maybe, in 20 years, it will be even better - like a fine aged cheese.

The point here is to take any song that is a part of someone’s life, good or bad, and then put it into the Britney Spears theory and allow 20 years to go by. In 20 years, those songs become either comedy, great, or just plain old nice to give a listen too one more time. I am not saying that the song has to be liked when it is heard again, but rather understood and absorbed, sort of like the song is representing or meshing with your brain. It will trigger either happy, hatred, dislike, or non-feeling; regardless a popular song today will be a good thing in the future - good because it triggers some sort of emotion. All I want is acknowledgement and for someone to admit and say, "Hey I remember this song" followed by some feeling in their heart, be it hatred or a smile that says, “I love you song, even though you were annoying in the 90’s”. Thus, the Britney Spears theory. I do think Oops I Did it Again is annoying, but I want to hear it again later in life for sure. I am so advanced that I already have it on my iPod, but don't try to understand me. Just follow the theory. I'll worry about saying I told you so.

On that contradicting note again, I want this same sort of open-ness to be applied to a song no one has ever heard before from an underground or unknown group. This shouldn't be a tough thing to pass to someone's brain, but it has proven to be for me and is frustrating. When I push the B. Spears theory on someone, all they do is tell me, "No, I don't like Britney Spears" and I say that is not the point. Like you said, we all can have our own opinion about any song we want…we can say, "I don't like that song Sara by Jefferson Starship" but who knows, in 15 years that could be downloaded and added to your iPod. Just like I did last week. Now are you following me? If only that logic can be applied to stuff that isn’t mainstream as well. Sort of all coupled into a big pot of what floats to the top. Good non-mainstream stuff and stuff from 15 years ago that isn’t being overplayed anymore. Thus, a good time had by all.

Could you imagine if the people in the early Baroque music period (~1600) didn’t ever allow the music to evolve and said “no” to those musical pioneers trying to push middle and late Baroque trends (up until ~1750)? And then what about the Classical period that evolved from this time period? I am sure people from after 1750 learned from listening and sampling songs from the Baroque period, thus inspiring them to create great music. Multiple that times 40 and now you have MC Hammer, The Liars, and Leonard Cohen. See, you have to appreciate what was – and per the Britney Spears theory if you give something annoying or even something good but overplayed about 10-20 years to sit in a wine cellar, then break that stuff out - you get good fun music for your ears. Then you can listen and learn and grow from it. Genesis: Take Me Home, Dee-Lite: Groove Is In The Heart, A-Ha: Take On Me, Ron Geesin: Spiky Diving Belles. Point made.

As you know I am anti-radio, but I also think I am “pro-radio after 20 years”. Let it age, sort through it all and find out what is good and what is crap. Music that was popular 20 years ago is just now getting downloaded and played by me. I am just starting to realize how good Christopher Cross can be, how magical Michael McDonald still is (love the current infomercials), and why people loved Hall and Oates and Peter Cetera. Damn. So give me 5 more years and I will be targeting the Bodyguard song, Soho, and La Bouche for their grandness. With me? I do get mad at people that only listen to the radio, yes, it is true. But I was there at one point in my life. So I can’t totally front. What I want them to do is to be able to open their ears past the current radio and listen to something from the past…or even deeper, something that was never played on the radio.

Some of you are saying that is BS, there is music out there that totally sucks and I know it. I dislike 'Take On Me'. Okay, that is fine. You don’t have to like everything. I sure don’t. But just give new things a chance, try old things again, and for sure don’t deny yourself these items which will complete you – and I would also like to thank Britney Spears for her efforts and songs that she put out there for us. I will see you in 15 years baby.

Did you ever check out one of those "what are the celebrities listening to" articles? They always peak my interest. If J. Timberlake says something like Ron Geesin, Man Man, De Euromasters, and Mr. Bungle I think to myself, wow he is worldly and has tried new things. He isn't just saying he likes the new Pink, Beyonce, Deftones, Black Eyed Peas, and Pearl Jam albums, but really being honest and allowing himself to open up and try new things. Think about how much celebrities are privy too, they get to sample all kinds of music and if they have an okay listening ear they can find something that isn't "popular" or isn't "jammed down your throat". Sometimes J. Timberlake says stuff like Ella Fitzgerald or Nat King Cole. Popular back then, cherished now.

In closing: be open-minded and less mainstream (at least for a few years, then back-track). Try it. Also, step it up and appreciate something different for a change, or something from 20 years ago. Have a sense of adventure – don’t be scared to say you like a silly, cheesy, or even older song – if your mind enjoys then it let it roll. Don’t let the man tell you want to listen to (although if it weren’t for the man the B. Spears theory wouldn’t work), and lastly don’t buy any Kanye West albums.

force more out of your brain...

I just read an article featured on MSN.com written by Bill Nye that science guy. I am not sure if copyright laws allow me to post the link to the article here or not, so for now I will not be doing that. It was good reading in general, one which makes you think. It made me ponder the following: I am sure most would agree that people like to think about space and the unknown from time to time – but imagine if in a few years the ‘human civilization’ can actually prove there is life outside of what we currently know. Not only will that be cool, but it will also change our thinking and everything forever. Even finding the presence of water will make scientists freak out and thus prove that life can or did or will exist elsewhere. Keep in mind this is only from searching that which is nearby to Earth (aka the moon and Mars). Imagine if we knew what was near the star Betelgeuse (the surrounding planets that might exist around the star that is). If you look up some information about this topic you’ll find the vastness is immense and most is unknown *obviously*. But I believe that scientists are aware of a lot more than we know. Meaning that scientists have pinpointed so many of the stars, estimated the amount of stars in our galaxy, and named most of them. Even if the names are mere numbers and letters categorically grouped. They even have an idea of how far some of “it” goes (certain stars etc.), not to say that scientists know where the end of the realm of dark-space-land is; but it is more than I knew we knew if you know what I’m saying.


In a conversation I had with someone today about this similar topic they asked me how do we know that there aren't organisms out there that are indeed NOT dependant on oxygen or water to live? Wow, what a good question. My thoughts are we technically only know our own version of science, right? But what if the gaseous planets have "things" that can breathe (if that is what they call it, silly word) and exist in the presence of that specific planet's gases. Yet another crazy tangent that I would be willing to bet is a complete possibility. Thanks for the thought there friend. Oh, and thanks to Bill Nye too (forgot to give him props earlier).


All I know is that I want to be there when the actual meetings of other civilizations from other planets occur. When they come to Earth. Or rather, I want to still be alive on this Earth when it happens, I don’t necessarily want to be the person that actually does the encountering and has the first discussion with these said aliens (although that would be a heck of a story to tell). I actually believe when this event happens it will be very peaceful. I say "when" with certainty that this will happen at some time, maybe not while I'm alive, but it will at some point. If I am wrong well then, well, so be it I guess. Anyway, we can do such things as share different fruits with each other (“Here alien, try a banana”) and challenge one another to spoon bending contests using only your minds. You lose, hahaha ZAP.


For those that know more about this topic than I please do share with a comment. I am by no means an expert on this and I am more just speculating about possibilities and throwing some thoughts out there for me and others to ponder. Taking more of an observer-of-life kind of stance if you will. Curiosity. Thus, if we have indeed found water on other planets, and you know about this because you watch the news, please let me know.


Imagine if the previous alien sightings over time were indeed the last time this will ever occur during our generation’s lifetime and for 1,000s of years to come. What if the aliens (those guys with green faces and long skinny chins and orb-like-big-brained heads and googly eyes) have actually killed themselves off due to getting too smart for their own good or something of the like and they imploded their own civilization. Then, there will forever be a time in history - ending in the early 1980's and starting way back in the time of the Bible - where for a few hundred years there were hints at alien visits via cave drawings and stories and accidental sightings and fragments of metals on the earth which we cannot explain. People in the year 3441 will look back at this time and wish they were alive back when these sightings were still occurring, so they might have a chance to see one for themselves. When in reality for most of us who live now all we know is speculation and it is most likely just hundreds of slight-of-the-eye falsehoods. After time has advanced and secrets leak, the future historians can piece together our time on Earth and discover more truths than we even know now. Even though we are actually experiencing whatever it may be. Sort of strange, but probably not too far off.


One more quick thing, and I will keep it quick because I don't know ANYTHING about this at all yet but am curious: someone else told me the other day that the Bible and other items tell stories and have pictures that show/depict aliens and spacecraft in the background. Not sure if this is confirmed in anyway but I would love to hear from someone who knows about this in more detail. That is fascinating if you ask me. That there were drawings from back then which show spacecraft - back when we didn't have flight yet???!!! Awesome.

my head

(if you live near me, just show up at like 11 PM and we can hang on my tiki torch lit porch - cool?) my head feels funny today. I just lied. I haven't really ever felt anything in my head. Normal ailments wreak havoc (awesome last two words) on tons of people in the world. Me, I don't feel much. Sure, I felt my ankle when it turned black and blue and was a near fracture, but otherwise I don't have pain (other than my immense pain being I'm a man that can't cry). I don't get headaches, I don't get acid reflux, I don't get joint pain yet....of course I bet we all have a cancer boiling inside of us. I just can't feel mine.

I just photographed my passion on the front stoop. Interestingly enough I am finally able to identify most of my "local" bugs. On tonight's porch was the obvious katydid, stink bug, and mayfly. Funny thing is that while most people do realize there are a lot of insects, that there are 100 times the species of each species you can think of out there. For instance stink bug. When I looked up the generic stink bug the other day I was told by researchers that there are 100s just in this region. Messed up if you ask me. More so than the stupid news. And to think I can only picture the green one and the brown one. And of course the Mayfly has such a release and death schedule that only extreme fly fisherman know their release from the water patterns. Back to the porch, very cool that the katydid was out there. Earlier I observed him or her making it's call. There is a click where the whole body pops and the main long drawn out loud noise you hear in most trees during the summer - created while they separate their wings and make a gap in the part of the thorax thus creating noise. Not so obvious worldly insects on the porch tonight were the hummingbird moth (yes, moth out at night - funny because this is a daytime moth for those that don't know), rainbow leafhopper, stonefly look-a-likes, a caddisfly, and many moths with pointy noses. Oh yeah, cucumber beetle out there too. Also firefly (of which there are like 900 in PA - mostly categorized by their extreme differences in mating blinks). And earlier in the garage was a giant firefly which wasn't really a firefly but I will just call it that until I finally look that bastard up in the book (looked it up, it was a grape leaf skeletonizer, awesome name good job whoever, see above - that's from my garage) that only has like 10% of the bugs in this area listed. Ahhh, what am I talking about?

Within the last month or so I have tested the waters which are Led Zeppelin. 85 songs to be exact. A bit overrated, but overall not bad. I'll get back to that soon because I have also found a world which is yacht rock (aka Michael McDonald, Ambrosia, and Bread).

...2 years later

okay, so it has officially been 2 years since my last entry. The humidity has reached a breaking point on my body. I don't know how long I can last out here. I need something to bring my brain back to the ground, something to trigger me out of my near loss of depth which is clutching reality. That something becomes the faint sound of a train, similar to that of the H-town line which roared through my childhood. Bold yet innocent. Just enough for a child to get a glimpse of future dangers. All reminiscent of the time spent as youngsters eagerly learning to be worldly, yet sheltered. The sound, albeit faint, gives me hope for life. A cause for remaining on this Earth and procuring my ability to be. My brain tries to work in cycles just to keep up with itself. I feel regret and sorrow for the lack of spontaneity, lack of will, and lack of lust which is life. I feel ampid druidism for those that suffer due to this. F that. I suppose I was just writing a book there. Why not write a book you ask (really it is me that asks, because you aren't asking. Are you? But rather being prompted by the words I write - thus prompting you to say why not and then a close parenthesis question mark)? Exactly, I should write a book. Thanks for saying so. At what expense do I lose? None until the final production costs come to a head. If I do this on my spare time than all of the brilliance can be created at no cost (quick side note, why do others take time off or rather have the writing of a book be their occupation when they can probably secure a full time job and write on the side? I suppose until I do that I won't know, but there must be a reason. Can you imagine sitting there every day saying stuff like, "Rolando jumped at the chance to spark a conversation with Julia. A conversation which was right there, so right there he could imagine it occurring, yet also so far away he could not open his own mouth to start the words. His dry palate was also sticky. Annoyingly stickily making his mouth slap. Working up this nerve was more than he could produce. Nerves ran shot, ability ran cold. He looked at her. Lovingly, yet sick. She had obvious robust lips, red, and a look on her non-stressed face which showed a profound view longing to be heard. Her only flaw was a small birthmark on her left cheek, leaving most one-time viewers intrigued and horny. As she sat there in the train car watching the sites cross her window, Rolando watched unbeknownced to her. A locus sound came through the window such that a normal human would not notice - fading off into the sound that is white noise to most. Rolando thought for a minute, why does this train have open windows? Then his thought vanished as quickly as it crossed his mind. His vantage point was Julia's daze, her face, her innocence and her cheek imperfection. The daze in Julia's mind created an unnoticeable Rolando. The situation benefited both parties. Both stared at their own beauties, each different and each subtle. Although Rolando's beauty was making his heart race like an amateur Rhinoceros hunter approaching his first kill. While Julia's beauty was passing by in a blaze. She sat in her stare-like daze, unknowing of her stalker looming in the hall, unknowing of the emotion that raged in Rolando's heart, unknowing of the doom that would eventually proceed her death. Julia stood up from her seat and was met with a fist across her temple. Rolando struck the beauty with care thrusting her onto the floor. Her perception was not gone rather emotions flew and she wondered why. She looked up at her attacker. She felt a stream of blood burrowing beneath her skull. Rolando freed the train seat from it's barrings and raised it above his head. His next motion seemed to last a day, slowly he triggered his arms to bash the seat across his beauty, sending her neck and head into a non-human position against the wall. Red covered everything. Her eyelids closed and her foot moved slightly on the floor. Rolando gave one last push of effort into bashing her head into the surrounding blood covered floor. At what point do stories become real? This one is obviously made up close parenthesis).

AP 3

To be said in the voice of Patrick Bateman, “each morning I wake up cranky and stumbling to find my footing. There is often a cat on my head or nearby on my pillow. I do zero crunches. I go right to the shower. The knob on the shower is not sturdy. It might fall off one day. While I stand there I look at the leak coming from the showerhead. It is there but it does not matter. Someday though I might fix that leak. The water rolls all the way down across all of the shampoos and gels dangling within the metal shelf, which hangs mid-way down the wall. I put on proper clothes and head downstairs. My mother-in-law makes coffee but I nicely decline. Then I decide to stop at Wawa for an always-necessary morning cup of coffee. I get the 20-oncer. Not too big and yet not too small. I opt to go for a lid that is 2 or 3 lids back in the stack. This way I get a ‘clean’ one. Untouched by Wawa worker’s hands. I do not select the old fashioned white lid that is lays flat; I go for the futuristic puffy and raised black lid. It is the only way. When paying at the register I try to remember to say ‘thank you’ to the person who numbingly rings me up. I drive 5 minutes on backcountry roads to avoid city life. Upon arriving at work I look for my homie G-Font’s vehicle. There it is. I feel better now. One day earlier this year my homie did not make it to work due to an accident that required a splint and 5 stitches. I didn’t see his car this day. I was sad. I completed more that day than any other day this year. Upon entering the initial set of turnstiles I think to myself, ‘should I go up or should I go left?’ Each day is like a flip of a coin and I am off in one of the two directions. I am on a quest: to find my cubical. When I go left there are others that stand with me. It is often awkward. Going up leaves me hearing heels popping on the cement-like marble floor. Pop pop, pop pop, and pop. Sitting at my desk I hear the light above my head buzzing. If a jackhammer were working in the cubical next to me, I would not hear it. I may yell at the light later this week. I am not sure if that will work. My neighbor Scotty will probably like me better once I yell. During work I play games like ‘let’s see how much water I can drink’ and ‘let’s see how many people I can’t talk to’. I keep tallies on spreadsheets and organize the days and totals by color. This is usually about when I finish my coffee. It’s ice cold by now.”

about the crapper...

Okay, to let everyone know in a past life (aka high school and to some extent college) I was a bit of an asshole. Like a sarcastic asshole - you know - do stuff for laughs. Even if some times I was the only one getting the punch line. As I always say, as long as I am happy and laughing in my head, it was well worth it. Well, recently I was reflecting on that time in life and wished I had done the following when riding an elevator, hanging in a parking lot or car rental location, or in the bathroom:

When entering the bathroom if someone is in a stall, go up to the stall and yell "I know you're in there" and kick the door really hard with your boot. Then leave and run while laughing (reminder again, these are not things I do anymore and for my parents if you are reading I never did any of these things ever). Another is while standing anywhere, with shades on and a jacket while near people, talk into your sleeve right by your hand and say, "The perimeter is clear" or "hold your fire, hold your fire - the target is not in place yet" or "cover me, I am going in" (then run). That one may get you in trouble but it would be funny (if anyone on is reviewing my profile and see the last one just note I am joking around). Also, if you are peeing next to someone look at them and say, "good job". Don’t pat them on the shoulder though because that is going too far. Girls can’t really do this one either because they have stalls for all of their work. I often want to say while in the bathroom, "how about a courtesy flush" even if I am the one doing the damage. I think it would be funny but wouldn't pull a stunt like that at work unless I knew my buddy was in there with me. So you should do this one in the mall bathroom or something, for those of you taking notes. Or, do you ever act like you are talking to your invisible phone like some people do when they have that damn earpiece in? Sometimes I will smile at someone walking out to the parking lot or something and then they will start talking and I think they are rambling to me, I get happy because I have a friend, and then find out they have a damn earpiece in and they are totally on the phone. Damn invisible technology. Pretty soon I will be able to workout like this. Someone will think I am talking to them while they are walking out of the supermarket but really I am not, I am really working out but it is invisible. I actually used to do the fake phone deal on rental buses back when I traveled, to and from the airport rental car lots. I would have a loud conversation with a fake earpiece. Not nice but funny. My favorite probably passed to me by my brother is to be in a urinal-type-area and say this out loud, "damn this water is cold...(then pause for an uncomfortable amount of time, smile, then say)…and deep". I have been doing this one for years and often say it while pissing next to someone at baseball games etc. Another funny one would be to be in a stall and say, "Stop that! Get back in there! No! Don't do it! Leave me alone!" Could you imagine if you heard that coming from a stall while you were using the rest room? Obviously you would be referring to a small alien that was emerging from the toilet paper dispenser.

This is a small disclaimer for the faint of heart or those people like my parents or in-laws that are reading this: sorry. You should have read the disclaimer at the bottom prior to reading the passage. That’ll teach ya.

my strange day (a story)

I have had the strangest day today. I got a call today on my way into work from a woman who's number I didn't recognize who promptly told me she doesn't speak English. So I replied nicely with "I do" (meaning that I do speak English - being a smart ass) and then she just sat there, saying nothing. So I said to her, "Me Iammo Chris" which I can't remember if that is Latin or Spanish, but then she replied in a struggling manner, "I don't speak English". I said "okay good" and then I also said "Numero incorrecto, me Iammo Chris". Yeah...this went on for over 2 minutes, me using broken a Latin-Spanish-mix and occationally throwing in some English and her struggling to tell me that she doesn't understand and can't speak a lick of English. For some reason she didn't want to hang up, I must have been an important person she wanted to relay some message to, although she never said anything other than she doesn't really understand. It sounded innocent however and didn't sound like a prank (others say crank but that is a pet peeve of mine, at 8 Sycamore Rd in Hummelstown we say PRANK), but in the end I said, "you called me - didn't you?" and then she grunted and hung up. Nice start to my morning.

I might call her on the way home and tell her "I don't speak Russian" just to see how she reacts. Her number is stored in my phone now and she and I have become best friends. I have her labeled as "Gully" in my phone. FYI. Anyone reading this - let me know if you want her digits.

Then to make my day stranger, while at the dentist my hygienist told me that she has been examining my lower front 4 teeth the whole time she has been working on me, so much so that she even measured their size without me knowing. Here is where it gets odd, she told me she has been examining the teeth specifically because she thinks that my adult teeth grew in backwards (not upside-down, but in the wrong order) - meaning that my two bottom front teeth in the middle (let's call them #1 and #2) should really be where the other two on each side of #1 and #2 are (let's say #3 and #4) and vice versa. So switch #1 and #2 with #3 and #4 and I am normal. RIGHT!!?? She said due to their width this is likely the case. I asked her if this was possible to even have that happen and she said, "sure, it could happen". Then she followed it up with, "you can still chew with your teeth though". OH, okay thanks!!! I thought maybe after 30 years of living and chewing with my current teeth that once I found out this miraculous discovery I would have to stop chewing altogether. That is a relief to know. [I know that I didn't have my adult teeth for 30 years now, but I needed to emphasize there to get my point across] I sort of hoped she was going to tell me that I showed signs of a vampire or something, which I have secretly always wanted to be.

Earlier during the dentist visit, while her hands were shoved in my mouth, she told me a story about an 8 year old who was petrified to be in the office for the first time. Later she found out the 8 year old was petrified because her "idiot Dad" (in her words) told her that she would get a needle in her mouth that would be so long it would go through the back of her head. Then she stops working on my teeth and points her finger to the ceiling (just to help to picture this scenario, she had on a mask and bloody white gloves, my blood that is) and says, "CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!" Then she told me she promptly ran out to the waiting room to confront the "idiot Dad" but the only the Mom was there and she ended up reprimanding her telling her that her husband is abusing the 8 year old. Granted, this wasn't the best thing to say on the Dad's part, but 'child abuse'??? C'mon. That is maybe, just slightly, a bit too strong of an allegation/reaction on the hygientists part.

I especially like the part where she decides she has the right to reprimand the parents in the waiting room. Crazy bitch.

We'll see how the rest of the day goes. The day just seems odd so far to me that's all.

Helmet or Microwave?

A friend recently wrote me the following question (I did ask my buddy about copyright infringements prior to posting his comments):

"Chris, what do you think would hurt more: to be microwaved, or to take your helmet off in space? I've been contemplating this all day.

Do you ever think about space? I don't get it. Like one cubic foot of space (the black part), has nothing in it right? How can you have one cubic foot of nothing? That makes my brain hurt to think about. And if there's nothing in it, why is it black? Shouldn't it be clear? I should be able to look at the night sky and see the other side. The inside wall of the end of space must be black in color, that's all I can think of.

If I ever had a band, I would name it One Cubic Foot of Nothing. And we would wear all black and play songs that made people's heads hurt. Let me know if you are in, I need someone who can play the kazoo."

So I replied with:

"I'll join only if I can be the lead singer or drummer. I'll have Jana's brother put a sound proof room in my basement so that we can jam and no one will hear us until we go live and then their heads will hurt. But I would rather call us 'Chris and the One Cubic Foots of Nothing'. Stew it over.

You have a good point (or lack of point, more like you have a good wonderment) about the darkness. I was thinking when I initially read it that it was because the sun wasn't shining on it but that isn't necessarily the case. Like, it is dark here on earth when the sun is in Mexico and Australia, so maybe that is the same in space. But then the inverse would need to be true and there would be times in space when it is really sunny and you would need sunglasses and a beach chair. When you are in space, looking at earth, what does the sun look like? This question might seem odd and/or obvious but I don't really know. I would think it might look like it does from earth or maybe like it does from the telescope pictures on LiveScience.com. I do agree that the wall at the end of space might be a black one, also I think that it might be because there is actually nothing there, and because there is nothing there for such a long viewpoint this nothingness folded on top of itself over zillions of miles can only look black. It isn't like if you stuck a little yellow thing millions of miles away that you would see it just because the other million miles of space between you and the yellow thing is nothingness. Make sense?

My real only pondering about space throughout my life so far has been about stuff like 1) how far does it really go and 2) is there really someone out there and 3) will we ever get to know any of the answers before we die or will we just wonder and not know because THAT specific technology doesn't grow very fast. You go from 1900 to now and we have advanced like 1,000,000 fold compared to what happened from the dinosaur time until 1900. But for space technology it just isn't that easy. Anyway I think about stuff like what I said before and also stuff like was the landing on the moon staged? I think it was. Blue screen, hello.

Helmet off in space because that would be an immediate implosion plus you have the experience of being in space to begin with, which people like Nick Carter pay good money to almost do - also no one would see the mess after you took off your helmet and there wouldn't be a crowd. If you were microwaved it would likely be done on earth and someone like Dafoe or Shattner would find you (reference to American Psycho and American Psycho II), all exploded and burnt and in a giant microwave and such. That would suck for your family to have to see. Rather for them to know you are up in the air somewhere living the American dream, of course maybe your arm might fall down onto Arizona, but otherwise you died a space traveling hero, now that is the way to go. Thanks."

Then I decided to add:

"Can there ever be (or do you think there is) nothing as in completely nothing. Like in space, maybe some of the black space floating up there is void of all gases or pockets of gas etc. or material of any kind, atoms, molecules etc. Heck, for that matter are atom and molecules only for OUR planet? Do they exist in space or other? I forget if the rock crap they brought back from the moon (or so they say - Blue Screen, hello) is full of our same type of rock material as our lovely Earth. I think it is, but I wonder don't you. My buddy thinks there is nothing up there and if you were floating up there you would be actually "in amongst nothing" at times. Obviously he thinks there is pockets of gas etc. that are around but not necessarily everywhere. He is fathomed by the lack of light and the ultimate darkness. I am more fathomed by the fact that I don't know where it ends. He thinks it should be light up there unless the end of space has a black wall. I think that there are so many miles of infinite space out there beyond the space we think we know about that it may never stop, why should it? Luckily for us we will come and go, live and die, and never even see anyone get to the damn next planet over. Maybe a rover here and there but c'mon, that sucks. Moon???!!!??? - if they went there that is pretty pussy (sorry to the youth bloggers for using the word pussy). I think they used blue screens (I know, I have said that like 6x now)."