Okay, to let everyone know in a past life (aka high school and to some extent college) I was a bit of an asshole. Like a sarcastic asshole - you know - do stuff for laughs. Even if some times I was the only one getting the punch line. As I always say, as long as I am happy and laughing in my head, it was well worth it. Well, recently I was reflecting on that time in life and wished I had done the following when riding an elevator, hanging in a parking lot or car rental location, or in the bathroom:
When entering the bathroom if someone is in a stall, go up to the stall and yell "I know you're in there" and kick the door really hard with your boot. Then leave and run while laughing (reminder again, these are not things I do anymore and for my parents if you are reading I never did any of these things ever). Another is while standing anywhere, with shades on and a jacket while near people, talk into your sleeve right by your hand and say, "The perimeter is clear" or "hold your fire, hold your fire - the target is not in place yet" or "cover me, I am going in" (then run). That one may get you in trouble but it would be funny (if anyone on is reviewing my profile and see the last one just note I am joking around). Also, if you are peeing next to someone look at them and say, "good job". Don’t pat them on the shoulder though because that is going too far. Girls can’t really do this one either because they have stalls for all of their work. I often want to say while in the bathroom, "how about a courtesy flush" even if I am the one doing the damage. I think it would be funny but wouldn't pull a stunt like that at work unless I knew my buddy was in there with me. So you should do this one in the mall bathroom or something, for those of you taking notes. Or, do you ever act like you are talking to your invisible phone like some people do when they have that damn earpiece in? Sometimes I will smile at someone walking out to the parking lot or something and then they will start talking and I think they are rambling to me, I get happy because I have a friend, and then find out they have a damn earpiece in and they are totally on the phone. Damn invisible technology. Pretty soon I will be able to workout like this. Someone will think I am talking to them while they are walking out of the supermarket but really I am not, I am really working out but it is invisible. I actually used to do the fake phone deal on rental buses back when I traveled, to and from the airport rental car lots. I would have a loud conversation with a fake earpiece. Not nice but funny. My favorite probably passed to me by my brother is to be in a urinal-type-area and say this out loud, "damn this water is cold...(then pause for an uncomfortable amount of time, smile, then say)…and deep". I have been doing this one for years and often say it while pissing next to someone at baseball games etc. Another funny one would be to be in a stall and say, "Stop that! Get back in there! No! Don't do it! Leave me alone!" Could you imagine if you heard that coming from a stall while you were using the rest room? Obviously you would be referring to a small alien that was emerging from the toilet paper dispenser.
This is a small disclaimer for the faint of heart or those people like my parents or in-laws that are reading this: sorry. You should have read the disclaimer at the bottom prior to reading the passage. That’ll teach ya.
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