Crossworlds / #160 (C-)

"I guess we're still on Earth...." they say as they see two totally gnarly surfer dudes come over the hill.

I watched this movie in two stages.  I started with about 40 minutes or so one night before I eventually fell asleep...and the rest was watched the next day.  I'd say the beginning of the movie was way better than the ending, at which point it is almost like the acting completely falls apart.  And honestly - can't someone tell Rutger Hauer that his hair is awful? Also he must be like 60 pounds overweight for his character's role.  I'm not even looking at the script and I can tell you that is that case.  I bet the guy who put this movie together was just pooping with joy that he landed a "star", when it would have been better if they got someone with a better haircut and someone who weighed less.

Sorry, this is not how I expected this review to go.  Let me start over.  The idea for this movie was really good.  It's actually one of my favorite kinds of movies.  Where the main character doesn't really understand what is going on but others around him do...and also where the main character remains "who they are" despite the situation.  Both of these feels were portrayed throughout this movie.  And honestly, if they would have done it better overall, this could have easily been a high B-rated movie.  But instead the acting just didn't cut it and the plot sort of fell apart and was uninteresting by the end.  Once they started that staff and crystal stuff with the guy in the suit, it went down hill.  But the building of the plot was quite glorious (first half).

This was a mix between Gor, Time Bandits, Jumper, and that movie with Matt Damon and the different doors.  The main character, an unsuspecting kid from modern day (who could have been cast WAY better if you ask me), gets twarted into an ever-changing world.  Moving from present to past, from desert to cave, etc.  Basically his Dad did it before him and he is the chosen one, but doesn't know it.  It takes him most of the beginning of the movie to figure out what is going on, and that what he has been witnessing and doing is actually happening.  They do a good job of jumping from landscape to landscape, that is until the guy with the suit fights the unsuspecting kid and they totally overuse the scene back-and-forthness.

Also Jack Black was in this.

Random side note: I would redo the Wickerman and have the cop fake-turn-into one of the town folk, that is until he has the greenlight to get out of their village at night in the water, which takes hours and is suspenseful.  But the scenes where he is acting all crazy as if he was one of them, just to fit in long enough for his escape....damn, those scenes will be beautiful.

Ka-Boom (D) #159

Wow, what a mess.  I thought this was going to be semi-amazing, or at least watchable.  Man was I wrong.  Witches?  Glowing red eyes?  Forehead glowlight magic?  Voodoo magic?  An underground illuminati type club filled with young good looking kids?  Way too much sex?  Geez!  I would have rather watched "Gargoyles", the made for TV masterpiece (loosely said).  If you cannot tell and thus stamped for the record - I do not recommend this at all.  Gregg Araki failed in my opinion.  Seriously, how many obnoxiously cut flashes between scenes can one movie have?  Like when you flip from one screen to another on your smart phone and it goes different ways - one time a horizontal flip, another time it is like a vortex spin, etc.  The editing with these cuts were unorthodox and at times occurred mid-song - whereas it made the timing almost seem like a mistake.  The song would just stop when the scene would change, in a crazy "Hey-look-what-I-learned-to-do-with-my-fancy-editing-equipment" annoying type of way.  Yeah....this movie sucked.

I forget how I got Ka-Boom on my radar, but whatever it was, or whomever it was....I wish I hadn't listened.  The plot, as well as the acting, was just awful.  Hell, even the casting was awful (read as: the roomate, the gay beach guy, the Dad, Lorilai, etc.).  Some of the people were okay I suppose, like the main actor and the two main girls, but then you put them in this craphole for a movie and their performance goes way down.  I have to ask, was this made for a direct release onto Cinemax (c)?

The basic gist of this film was a kid in college, who has sex with anything that moves, keeps blacking out at parties only to find out that some crazy shit has been going down during his down time.  He thinks a girl was murdered, "maybe" and right in front of him nonetheless - by people wearing animal masks.  A bunch of other dumb shit happens.  More sex.  More animal masks.  More dumb shit.  And then he finds out he's the chosen one and expected to lead an army of underground whatevers as the world is heading towards the end, or something like that.  Totally dumb.  And everyone is in on it.  And then the world blows up....Hence Ka-Boom.  Plot spoiler alert I guess...sorry.

And hell, I normally totally love movies with people wearing animal masks.  D!

director's cut 'Mimic' (B+) / #158

"Piece of shit, on the ceiling....figure that one out" - Josh Brolin, Mimic

This movie and I have a bit of history.  History that existed even before me seeing it.  I listened to a podcast (again....the Mondo Movie guys, who I love and now sometimes tweet with) where they discussed how epic the movie was, but most specifically the director's cut - if you were to watch any version of Mimic this was the version per them.  So I saw that Netflix (c) had Mimic available and I started to watch it.  Without knowing if it was the director's cut, I ended up pushing stop and didn't view the entire movie.  I did however watch the beginning and enjoyed it.  I then fast-forwarded to the end to see if I could tell if it was the director's cut.  I blogged that mini-viewing, albeit only about 20 minutes worth of viewing pleasure to go on....perhaps someday I'll post that mess (unedited, it's a real mess, but it's funny to read back).  So that takes us to present day....heard a podcast, peaked my interest, watched about 20 minutes including the ending....and then I set out on my quest to find the director's cut.  This was no small feat.  I tried a few used DVD-type stores and struck out.  Then I opted to just order it once I realized that it was eating away at me and I needed to see it.  So finally it came in the mail.  And below, is what ensued (I also forgot to add the part about me talking up the director's cut to a handful of friends before seeing it....so there's that too).

Ahhh Mimic, finally.....the director's cut is in my hand!  I like that for the majority of the movie there were three things going on at once.  Basically the plot was affecting more than one person and they showed all of the people involved, doing their thing in different scenes concurrently, as the plot unfolded beneath the town.  A very endearing quality, and done subtly in the background if you will.  Meaning, people probably don't notice how good the flow of the movie was, which created a constant dark mini-action feel created nicely by del Toro.  This is a hats-off statement to a good director in my mind, when a movie can make you feel this way without even trying (to the viewer, I'm sure del Toro tried).  Hands together again for del Toro who does a really good job at creating this atmosphere.

I have nothing against children, much less handicapped children - but damn I wish that Chuy kid would have died.  Sorry if I'm ruining any plot here by saying he lives.  But you likely will wish him to die too.  I guess I really shouldn't say this, and thinking back on the movie I suppose parts of his character weren't the worst and added to the plot, but honestly the "Mr. Funny Shoes" thing was annoying to me.  But for now I'll take it back sarcastically and change my tune to the following - I actually loved this Chuy (pronounced Chewy) character and was happy that he didn't get hit by a train at the end, and I was also happy that the Mimic creatures didn't devour him once he walked into their lair about mid-way through the flick, and lastly I was super happy that he lived when the male Mimic creature didn't pierce his skull with his sharp arm talon thinger.  Which by the way, am I the only one that noted that these talons made sword noises?  I'll say that again.  Did you notice that the Mimic creatures had sharp piercing appendages??.....And those appendages made freaking sword noises?!?  What the hell was up with that?

Lastly a note about Mira Sorvino: I think this was the first movie I've seen with her in it??  I could be wrong.  But she was sexy and she liked bugs, a lot.  What else do you need?  Not much.  She should have done more action films in her prime.  Since this was made in 1997, she is probably not making many more films, much less action films.

Sorry if I could bitch just one more time....when I went to Netflix (c) to watch the non-director's cut ending....I found that I needed to download Silverlight (c) AGAIN!  I think this is the 30th time officially within the last year.  I guess it's good they get it right and fix the bugs, but holy bloody hell.

After watching the non-director's cut ending, I was confused because I saw the exact same thing in each version.  So I did some reading on-line.  Apparently del Toro only added about 7 total minutes of "fixes" and these are barely noticeable in the director's cut, but they must add what is needed to make the movie hold it's own to this day.  He says roughly in the below clip from MTV.com (c), that when you watch a movie when you are 9 (and love it) and then again when you are 25 (and wonder what the hell was I thinking for loving it?), that the added 7 minutes to the film make the movie remain a "love" for fans that still watch it today.  I guess the director's cut didn't come out for many years after the release of the original.

www.mtv.com del Toro explains "change" in you and Mimic

Sorry this is getting long, but I also read prior to watching this that del Toro initially wanted the movie struck from his resume.  This is half because he didn't get his vision in the ending.  Apparently his way would have been much darker and I suppose that means that the good guys wouldn't have walked away.  That would have been awesome except I would miss Mira.  But also apparently he had a hell of a time with this movie and fought with the producers and had issues with the studio, or something like that.  So for me where do I stand when it comes to Guillermo del Toro?  I didn't love Don't Be Afraid of the Dark at all, and I didn't love Devil's Backbone (although I'm thinking I need to see it again???)....but I did really like Cronos, Pan's Labyrinth, and Mimic in that order.  I tried to start watching Hellboy and got immediately annoyed.....that leaves Blade II and the Hellboy series and I've seen them all so far.

Chopper (B) #157

My buddy liked this piece.  And for about a year and a half, perhaps longer, he asked me to check it out.  I stumbled upon the flick this week and texted him a picture of Mark Chopper Read to give him a heads up I was finally watching it....and once I told him, he under-whelmingly said it was just okay and could have been better.  I repeat, he recommended it to me for about a year and a half!!  What the hell?  I assumed that meant it was going to be straight awesome, at least per him.  If I could guess, I would say he wanted more action and craziness in the movie and that is why this was dubbed "it could have been better".   Come to think of it, I think it's been like 3 years.

Well guess what?  I thought it was superb.  It's not some crazy CGI adventure and was lacking super quality as a whole (read, it was grittily filmed and for a seemingly low budget).  Rather I feel they actually did a great job portraying Mark Read and his "way", slowly developing his character throughout the entire film.  I especially liked the ending and the way they wrapped it up clean and nice.  They showed him sitting with the prison guards and watching his 5 minutes of fame (although they allude to the fact that he might actually be famous, I need to look that up for confirmation.  Is he even a real guy?), and then the guards start to leave and say, "eh yo Chop, we're going to have to lock this door...okay?"  To which Chop acknowledges....and then they close and lock the cell door.  At that time the camera shot fades back....while Mark just sits by himself, in his glory, yet all alone and in an empty cell with little to no allies left.

Throughout the entire film, both in and out of prison and when he was free in the real world, everyone "seemed" to love him.  Well sort of.  It was like he was loved to his face, but hated behind his back.  Perhaps because people were scared of him.  Who could blame them, he was a total bad ass and could probably kill a predator in a 1:1 battle.  It was a strange mix though, because he was also constantly a really nice guy.  For instance, after each time he killed someone or drastically injured someone, he would start apologizing and offering comfort in the form of a cigarette or a trip to the hospital.  Definitely some sort of bipolar craziness going down with Chop.  But to me, it was portrayed perfectly which made this gritty movie well worth watching.  The scenes with his ex-prison buddy Jimmy were hilarious as well.

What else is Eric Bana famous for?  I need to see these other items of his resume.  He was superb.  150% awesome.  Great casting by the guy who casted the movie and great character representing by Bana.  Honestly, if the budget was bigger and the filming was a better quality, this could have been a huge hit.  The initial scenes in the prison yard when his buddies were turning on him to get the handsome ransom were totally epic.  This scene specifically is why I kept watching.  Mark Chopper Read is just so gentle and nice, offering hugs to his backstabbing buddy while nearly bleeding to death.  What a great scene.  Haha, I'm laughing just thinking about it.  Hell, even the way Bana just made this character act in normal everyday scenes - like when talking to the cops in the bar or talking to his Dad - was straight awesome. With those metal teeth and the way he explained what his brain was thinking - or rather what his brain was flip-flopping - was just hella good time.  The scene with the interviewer was really fun to watch as well.  I'm curious what the rest of the world thought of this, so I'm going to go check out some reviews by others.  Good day homey.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark #156 (C-)

Opening scene...very awesome!  And as it turns out, also very deceptive.  As they start building the plot.....I said to myself, "okay...I can handle Katie Holmes and Guy Pearce, especially if they are in a Guillermo del Toro film.  This should be good.  So let's see what he's got."  And thus I keep watching.  But then there are these things within the fire vent.  You don't get a real good look at them, typical horror movie style.  However, then they speak.  What?  Really?  They say, "Sssssssshe will come back, they always dooooooo"in a snake-slithery voice and then you get a glimpse of what looks like white glowing eyes within the grate.  Hmmmm.  Did the vent just whisper and did I just see glowing eyes?!  Is this a Jim Henson project?  Guillermo, please tell me you didn't produce a clunker??  I ended up dubbing this scene as the turning point of the movie.

As I continued watching, I got more and more disappointed.  Sure those little guys (see below) are pretty neat...done well etc., a la Subspecies or The Gate...but not neat enough for me to like the film.  I almost wish Guillermo didn't ever direct this.  I have a few gripes about the movie.  1) most of the movie is the little girl seeing and hearing the below pictured tiny beasts (they are probably about as big as my hand) and then when she tries to tell an adult, they don't believe her.  EVEN after she has photographic proof.  Pretty frustrating that this 'feeling' or mood happens throughout the movie.  I don't want to see that little girl be the only one involved.  I want to see those little things rip everyone apart and have all run for the hills in fear of them.  Or just be subtle little killers, not attack in a group and be all messy etc. (they don't attack very organized-like).  2) My second gripe is the little guys whisper the ENTIRE movie.  They call out her name softly, of course in perfect English because as you know most little beings from deep holes found within basement mansions speak perfect English.  "Sally......Ssssssaaaaaaaaally."  At one point they were talking to each other too, "We will go deeper.....and come out when they forget."  And then one will reply, "We will.  We will."  So dumb.  3) what does the movie title even mean?  Don't Be Afraid of the Dark???  That could be the name of any horror movie, but doesn't really make any sense for this one.  Some of the scenes even happen in the day light.  The title makes it seem that only in pitch black can these little monsters creep out and try to get you.  Also, the little girl has a spine of steel because she's barely scared.  So, there goes another piece of the title.  She spends her days going into a basement filled with cobwebs and sticking her face in an open hole in the wall.  I guess it should have been called, "Speaking Rats from a Hole" or possibly, "del Toro's Epic Whispering Bad-guy Fail Movie"....4) How in the hell is it possible that 3-4 times in the movie those little guys are trying to get the girl, yet somehow the door is always locked?  The adults are trying to break in from the outside as she screams from the inside....that is completely annoying.  Guillermo, seriously?  And you were embarrassed to have Mimic on your resume?  But then you put out this crap?  5) at one point one of those little guys gets squashed by a giant book case (but the door is locked and the girl is by herself), but then the adults break in...and she says something like, "I swear they were here...here look at this picture."  Instead of saying, "LOOK AT THIS DEAD ONE THAT I F-ING SQUASHED" she says look at this picture.  But the adults of course still don't believe her.  And finally point #6) For the last 30 minutes the little girl is photographing everything with a Polaroid.  If you watch, you will know why this is annoying.

The one cool scene aside from the beginning scene is when Katie Holmes' legs get snapped backwards.  But that is about it.  After this movie I decided it was time to own/watch the director's cut of Mimic, which is supposedly WAY better of an ending than the non-director's cut version, even if Guillermo still didn't really get his way with the entire editing.  So I bought it on Blu-Ray.  Should be here in a few days.

#155 / Ted (B-)

I saw this movie opening week.....which was many weeks ago.  I don't know why I haven't written the blog entry yet.  My bad.  It was probably movie #140 not #155, but I just procrastinated on my job.  I'm at the point where I almost don't know what to say anymore about it.  I'll give it a whirl....

For those that think - ah, it's probably just another "funny" movie that everyone will flock to and might be just average, especially because it's about a freaking talking bear and has hit-or-miss Marky Mark as the main actor - I am here to tell you that it WAS indeed good (not as good as 21 Jump Street, if I am comparing summer comedies) and I laughed throughout the entire thing.  There is a ton of cursing though, so don't let your tots watch.

I recall they busted on most of the current pop culture icons.  The very last thing you see on the screen (not a plot spoiler at all) is that werewolf guy from Twilight.  The constantly shirtless guy who also did that Abduction movie, also performed shirtless.  The bust on Katy Perry was pretty funny as well.  One of my favorite scenes was when Marky was trying to guess Ted's girlfriend's name as they chatted on the couch.  Funny stuff.  I also liked all the Flash Gordon scenes.  Makes me want to watch the original Flash movie, seems totally epic and right up my alley.  And finally I could have done without the Fenway park scene(s).

Joe McHale played a good jerk boss role.  I was happy with his acting.  Also, Giovanni Ribisi's character was fun.  And while he and his son, Taylor Lautner, were a bit annoying as an addition to the plot - however their actual roles and such were good.  God, I feel like I'm writing like a 13 year old.  And like, it was so cool, and like, so awesome.  And like, so neat and stuff.  So like, I would totally own this one day...I liked it I think.....

Ok, that's the best I can do weeks later.  I also watched Deathrace 2000 a while ago and never wrote that one up, because my plan was to watch it again considering it was super awesome.  But now it has left instant stream and I cannot watch it again.  So I'll just need to buck up and write something from my not so fresh memory.

Update: it's December and they are ramping up the DVD of Ted for the holidays.  It's annoying.  So, I moved this movie down from a B+ to a B-.  I still laughed, but I think the commercials are weighing on me.

The Hitcher - #154 (B+)

Wow, the police in this movie had some really bad aim.  I guess they weren't trying to kill C. Thomas Howell.  And if that was the case, then okay I'm down and can live with that - but they couldn't even hit the tires?  There was actually an entire scene probably lasting about 10 minutes, which was like a scene right out of good ol' Dukes of Hazzard (c), including crazy car chase scenes, cop cars crashing and exploding, shooting out of windows, and lots of dirt flying.

For the villain, I don't know who's a meaner?  Hesher, Meatloaf, that relentless guy from Duel who drove the truck, or Rutger Hauer?  I guess Hesher isn't a villain so that isn't fair.  And he also doesn't fit in the category with the other three mentioned either, as they all were "car" villains if you will.

Man oh man though, Rutger was an a-hole to the extreme.  That dude never gave up.  Even in the end he was smiling with blood smattered within his teeth, just asking for more.  I went into this movie thinking it was going to be about a guy getting picked up one rainy night, then the rest of the film would be about their struggles in the car once the driver realizes the hitch hiker was actually a bad dude.  Well, this was kinda like that for maybe a minute.  The rest was a hell of a ride and very much enjoyed as well as very much unexpected.  There was more than the car, as Rutger actually made it his mission to pester C. Thomas Howell throughout the movie, specifically letting him go and then showing up again and again.  He must have done that for 3 states worth of driving.  He was evil.  That one scene with Jennifer Jason Leigh was wicked.  Too bad 80's movies can't show the action.  Booooo.

I wonder, could Sean Bean do better?

Species II / #153 (C-)

Can honestly say I don't recall Species I.  But I remember it was pretty good, and thinking Natasha Henstridge was hot.  I don't remember Marg H. or Michael Madsen being a part of Species I at all.  For part II, I can sum it up in two sentences - basically a movie that looked made for TV yet had some pretty darn good death scenes.  Otherwise, the acting was mediocre.  There's your review.  Now onto some awesome screenshots and random thoughts.

Species II was leaving instant stream this week so I needed to watch it.  The memorable scenes were when the blood fell off the lab table, then crawled across the floor and up the wall, followed by a crazy-being of sorts coming out of the wall and attacking the scientist.  Another classic scene was this one (below), where the female astronaut had sex, and then immediately birthed some sort of alien with a giant arm that attacked the dude who just had sex with her (the alien's Dad I guess).  See here:

Here's another one worth noting.  Picture one shows astronaut man with shoulders still containing head while he was sitting on his deck, not pictured is the shotty in his mouth:

Picture two is the same guy minus his head.  Please note, his head regenerated immediately following this so don't be scared that he was no longer a leading actor in the movie:

And to quickly bust on Michael Madsen, who sometimes I like...please check out this "class ring".  I ask, why was he wearing his high school ring?  Please tell me why?:

There is just one more remark.  I loved the scene when the "SWAT" team, or whatever they were, were looking for the 3 astronauts at their houses etc...And as they raced to each of their abodes they found them all in the middle of a sexual act.  Seriously?  All of them at the same time?  The planets must have been aligning for them all to be boinging at the same exact time.

Oh shoot, here is one final pic.  This is main astronaut guy's kids which he was breeding and sticking in a warehouse.  Pretty funny scene actually.  Guess they were all born with those grey peasant cloak sacks.  I think Emile Hirsch is one of the middle aged kids, 2nd from the right in the far back: